


He's Just Not That Into You

by agentsimmons



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (but for a reason honest), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Fluff and Crack, Genius Idiots, Jealous Tony Stark, M/M, Mentions of Bruce Banner/Natasha Romanov, Not Canon Compliant, Science Boyfriends, Science Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 06:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4211019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentsimmons/pseuds/agentsimmons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere in an alternate universe, the party at Avengers Tower went much differently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's Just Not That Into You

Tony did everything he could to hold back an eyeroll so epic that his eyes might become stuck that way permanently.

Maria was being insufferable. Rhodey was being insufferable. Thor was being insufferable. And there was a pesky spider at the other end of the bar trying to catch an unassuming insect in its web.

"Where are the _ladies?!_ " Maria's obnoxious demand nearly forced that eyeroll from his determined hold.

Like he cared anymore. There were plenty of ladies in the building. Maybe not Jane. Maybe not Pepper. But why couldn't Maria go snatch up Natasha if she was so desperate for girlpower? That would solve a lot of his problems. For now. Natasha was nothing if not relentless. He gave her that. Begrudgingly, of course.

And why the hell was he currently, half-heartedly rambling about Pepper's achievements again? Was his ego so out of control, his power struggle with Thor so far gone, that he had to resort to having a 'my horse, your horse' battle over a woman who wasn't even his girlfriend anymore?

He had to remind himself it was stupid stuff like this that kept everyone assuming he was still with the fiery femme in spite of the fact that, you know,  _she was never around anymore_ or _he never went out of his way to visit her_. Seriously, wasn't that a little bit of a hint to _anybody_ at all? Did they really think he, of all people, was that work-obsessed and selfless? That he would choose hopping all over the globe looking for a scepter rather than _ever_ taking a break for one-on-one time with someone more or less devoted to him? The least they could do was pick up a tabloid every now and then.

It wasn't like he wouldn't defend Pepper as the most badass woman on the planet until his dying breath because, yeah, she was. But currently this was not helping matters at all and as Thor droned on about something else his beloved astrophysicist had accomplished, the only thing on Tony's mind was a very different physicist. The only thing he could hear was the strangled protests of a man struggling against the thread slowly winding its way around him.

Tony's eyes widened as he stammered at her very obvious physical come on and okay just  _fuck it all._

He took several fuming paces away from the conversation and three confused colleagues behind him and, placing a protective - yeah, okay possessive - arm around Bruce's shoulders, leaned across the bar and all but shouted for everyone nearby to hear...

" _Newsflash!_  He's. Not. Interested." 

The room fell practically silent and Natasha rolled back on her heels, staring back and forth between them with doe eyes _as if_ she wasn't a skilled assassin able to strike any target with deadly precision and wasn't _that_ just a laugh. And he would have laughed, but that would maybe be too cruel. He didn't _hate_ her. Hell, he didn't even blame her. The entire world should be in love with Bruce Banner. 

He could feel said doctor flinch nervously under his touch. Sighing internally, he let go and turned to look at the confused partygoers. Well, as long as he had an audience...

"And for the damn record, Pepper and I broke up last year." And that sent ripples through the room that got the party going again. Nobody felt up to tackling that unexpected mindbomb at the moment. Or ever. Nobody except one.

"Seriously?" Tony turned back around and met the steady, albeit incredulous, gaze of the physicist who had asked the question. "You couldn't have said something sooner?"

"Ah, it was complicated?"

" _Complicated?_ "

Natasha cleared her throat, causing them both to turn their attention towards her. "So I'm going to assume Stark is right and you're not interested?" Tony continued to hold back an epic eye roll because really? Did she actually think that Bruce's uncomfortable "ums" were signs of interest? 

"Sorry," Bruce answered her with that same unassuming softness that obviously must have been what wooed her into thinking he was interested. "I'm not. No. I guess I should have been clearer. I just... Look, you're a great friend, Tasha, but... You're not really my type."

Tony watched the doctor struggle through the awkward let down speech and watched as Natasha's face remained unreadable. That was something he _did_ hate about her. 

"Let me guess. You're more into emotionally stunted geniuses with way too much ego for their own good?" Tony narrowed his gaze at her assessment, but fair enough. And at least now he didn't have to ask the question himself.

"God help me, right?" Bruce said with a very quiet chuckle  _and see!_ There you go! The man was more than capable of expressing interest without "ums" and... Wait...

Tony met Bruce's gaze, equal parts shy and exasperated as only an enigma like Bruce Banner could pull off, and then transferred his gaze to the other pair of eyes narrowed on him.

"Banner's right," Natasha said sharply. "You should have said something sooner." And if she was looking for an apology for spoiling her fun, it wasn't happening. But then her lips quirked up just enough to frustrate him and make him wonder what the smile meant or if it was even a smile at all. "You're on your own from here. By the way, Stark. Pepper told me about the break up six months ago."

Tony watched in a stunned state, feeling like he'd just been rendered boneless by her widow's bite, as the always-too-clever and mysterious redhead silently left. "What the hell just happened?"

"Uh..." Bruce's mouth was slightly open. "That- I'm not sure what that was," the physicist said dumbly before turning a glare on Tony. "You on the other hand just made a huge spectacle in front everybody."

"Yeah, okay, what else is new?" Tony countered.

"Want to tell me why?" Bruce challenged.

"Isn't it fairly obvious?" Tony deflected.

"Not really, Tony. For all I know you could have just been doing me a solid since Natasha wasn't taking a hint. Or maybe you're a little tipsy. Or maybe we've just spent 3 days in the lab without sleep." Tony winced as he continued to come up with perfectly logical explanations.

" _Or._ Maybe I'm getting damn tired of all of the eye sex and unresolved tension." It was true. Maybe not the whole truth. But a start. Because, god, was there so much eye sex and shoulder sex and just every kind of sex except the kind Tony wanted. Not that he wanted to lose all that other stuff by any means.

"So that's it? You just want to f-mmm." Tony kissed him hard, frantic to shut him up. And it didn't take long for Bruce to respond.

"More than that, Bruce," Tony spoke between greedy, quick presses of his lips to the other man's, who attempted to do the same. "Want so much more than that."

"And yet... you weren't even... _mmm-_ kay, okay," Bruce pulled away suddenly, breathlessly. "And you weren't... planning on telling me about Pepper?" Tony could barely stand Bruce's studious eyes locked on his own. "I mean, is this recent? Because I have to tell you, I've felt it since-"

"-nope, not recent," Tony replied with a fervent shake of his head. "So very not recent. Emotionally stunted remember? Wasn't sure you were interested. Okay, maybe I was fairly certain and that scared me. I don't know. God, when did your hair get this shaggy?" Tony derailed as he ran his fingers through Bruce's out of control curls.

"When I finally put two and two together and figured out you couldn't keep your hands off," Bruce answered him with a shaky laugh before capturing his lips again, for once seeming to forget his dislike for parties and people. 

Or at least until Rhodey coughed and he broke away from Tony with a start. "Congratulations on getting with the program, Tony, but it still looks like two seals fighting for a grape," Rhodey teased. "Good luck, Bruce. Good luck." He then moved past them, smiling and shaking his head as he did. 

Tony rolled his eyes at long last, harboring none of the truly spiteful annoyance he had earlier. He then kissed Bruce several more times as he led him over to sit in one of the empty seats so they could either talk, make out, or just finally be close with no reservation. Hell, maybe - nope,  _probably_  - all three. 

"By the way," he said between a few of those kisses, "pretty sure we built a robot kid in the lab so don't you dare get any ideas of running out on me." 

Bruce laughed as they fell into the leather armchair rather gracelessly. "Don't worry. Wasn't planning on it. But... Uh, I'm suddenly not so sure either of us are qualified to be parents."

Tony shrugged and then smiled one of his effervescent Tony Stark smiles against Bruce's lips. "What's the worst that could happen?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is just some weird canon-divergencey au plot bunny that has been camped out in my mind since the movie came out that finally screamed at me to write a few nights ago when I was running on fumes at 3 a.m. after being up for about 26 hours (it is minimally edited and probably all over the place as a result). So yeah, idk what this is. Just hope you enjoy it because I actually loved writing it. I think I liked writing it more than I liked half of AOU. ~~Does that count as a humble brag? Or is it just obnoxious?~~
> 
> I haven't seen AOU in a while so not sure if I got Maria's line right or you know the overall layout of the room oops. Also the eye sex thing is a reference to the fact that the second time I watched the movie I swear, probably wishful thinking, there was a moment when Tony was trying to convince Bruce to help with Ultron where Bruce for a split second looked like he was giving Tony the once over with bedroom eyes. So, imagination or not, eye sex is totally a thing (it was a thing in The Avengers too though so _obviously_ ). 
> 
> P.S. we're gonna pretend it all diverges from here and so Hulk doesn't go crashing quinjets into the ocean and instead Bruce and Tony argue about how they failed their first son and how they have to eliminate him or something okay. Or they argue about the hulkbuster fight and then have (off screen since Disney obviously) make up sex. Heck, Tony can build Bruce a farm for all I care (oh no plot bunny).


End file.
